Here we are on the vast landscape of the internet, searching and dreaming of another life, another place to call home. During this worldwide pandemic, we have virtually journeyed to all of the corners of the world, and some of those places can virtually be quite dark. But every now and then we catch a bright glimmer of sunshine portrayed on an LCD screen.
After many clicks, your eyes and mouse have perhaps lead you to one of the many corners in the United States. Places with the least amount of cases and deaths per capita, or landmass? The desolate ones that are not covered up on that dreadful John Hopkins Covid19 map we can't stop staring at.
Longing for a place. The romantic cabin in the mountains, a place that is not inundated with COVID19? An expansive open field full of hay and sunlight, or a forested trail next to a running creek. Sound nice? You may have just stumbled into this fantasy to move here before.
Maybe you have been to a wedding once, that one last summer where you danced all night under the stars. Or perhaps as a young adult with a backpack and a thumb, living the dream, or maybe it way just a visit to Yellowstone as a kid. Way, way back when we could all travel freely. Back when wanderlust was not a four-letter word.
We get it. This place can appear to be a fantasy, one that is too good to be true at times. But we must warn you about a few things here before you go packing all of your belongings into a Uhaul. Don't believe those other articles blowing smoke about Bozeman, this place is not what it seems.
What are the top 10 reasons NOT to move to Bozeman? Well, we are glad you never asked.
#1 The POW is way too deep
So deep that there is about a 100% chance that you are going to die in an avalanche on your way to get a latte before you even see the mountain. Bridger Bowl averages 300" of snow a year, more than four times as tall as our average readership.
If you ever find yourself in the car on the way to your local ski mountain, just 15 minutes from your door, hoping for icy, bullet-proof hardback?
Don’t move to Bozeman.
#2 The rivers are out... of fish
Decades after A River Runs Through It, it finally has happened. The last fish has been caught. Do you love standing shoulder to shoulder with other fishermen out in the river fighting over the last fish? If you do, too…
Don’t move to Bozeman.
#3 It’s not pretty at all
Prefer skyscrapers and asphalt to jutting snow-covered peaks and rivers? Do you find long urban commutes to be romantic, or are you seeking a career in postmodern graffiti?
Don’t move to Bozeman.
#4 The people here are the worst!
Dislike the exchange of pleasantries and esprit de corps with those you encounter every day? Friendly waves when you’re out on a backroad, on a hiking trail, or floating down a river? None of that here.
Don’t move to Bozeman.
#5 There’s absolutely nothing to do
Yeah, there is extremely dangerous skiing, the golf courses with roaming grizzly bears, and the fishing is blue-ribbon…but the hiking, river sports, lakes, camping, hunting, recreational sports leagues, not to mention our community events, like Music on Main, the Bozeman Philharmonic, Sweet Pea, and many others, are like anywhere else…you don’t need to bother moving to Bozeman.
Don't move to Bozeman.
#6 It's extremely isolated
Many souls have perished leaving Santa Monica to cross the barren deserts of Nevada, and the death valleys full of burning men. Our airport is a full 15 minutes from the heart of downtown Bozeman. Combined with the occasional line to get through security, and direct flights to LA, NYC, Seattle, and a full handful of other major hubs, it’s extremely tough to get here.
So don’t move to Bozeman.
#7 Yellowstone Park stinks
Who farted? The answer is Yellowstone National Park. You may have heard about the extremely boring national park that has the worst reviews online. The one that is well over 81 miles of "are we there yet" away… with a mediocre drive through Paradise Valley, alongside the benign Yellowstone River, makes for an OK day trip. You’ve probably seen better.
So don’t move to Bozeman.
#8 Ranch dressing is on Everydamnthang!
Unless you like your entire body covered from head to toe in Ranch Dressing...
Don't move to Bozeman.
#9 There is nowhere to park.
It's BAD! It's as if the city only hires engineers that have experience designing Trader Joe's parking lots. This is witnessed every fall during an annual festival where local citizens grab their pitchforks and torches and attack the local politicians. All because they can only park five sprinter vans and three rafts in front of their house. If you like ample parking...
Don't move to Bozeman.
#10 The internet
Let's face it. The internet and social media can be a terrible place. Let's all just go outside and get some fresh air. And don't forget...
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